


Guidelines to Living in Amestris

by Kanako_Hime, LadyOfSlytherin101



Series: Guideline Series [3]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Ed's a Noodle, Gen, Hilarity, Humor, Parody, Randomness, Sexual Humor, quirky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 12:25:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 7,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7361449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanako_Hime/pseuds/Kanako_Hime, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyOfSlytherin101/pseuds/LadyOfSlytherin101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Featuring the cast of Full Metal Alchemist (Brotherhood, of course!). Rules you should - or not - follow when living in Amestris. Signed, Ariana Oswald and Rosalie Tyler.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Page I - Ariana

Rule  #1

Making short-jokes around Ed is not allowed

(Seriously, do people not learn?)

(And by people I mean me)

(And Winry)

 

Rule  #2

Making puns about Ed's auto-mail is not allowed

(Hey, Ed? I like the new coat.”)

(“What? Oh, thanks.")

("I bet it cost.....an arm and a leg.")

(Badum-tss)

 

Rule  #3

Mustang is not the human torch; do not refer to him as such

(He can't even fly)

(And he didn't like the Fantastic Four)

(I'd set him on fire if I could)

 

Rule  #4

Telling people that Tucker is into bestiality is not allowed

(Even if he did transmute his wife into a Chimera)

(Nina asks questions that are wayyyy too awkward to answer)

(I have to say though)

(Clearly the missus wasn't doing her job right)

 

Rule  #5

Ed is a human. He is not a lost Hobbit on his way to Isengard.

(He now hates that song)

(Mission accomplished)

 

Rule  #6

Walking around and greeting military personnel with a "Heil!" is not allowed

(Because then you have to explain Hitler)

(And Nazis)

(And how Amestris is basically anime Germany)

 

Rule  #7

Telling Ed that someone already found a Philosopher's Stone and destroyed it isn't allowed

(Not my fault they don't have Harry Potter here)

(Ed didn't take it so well)

 

Rule  #8

Mustang is a male adult human. He is neither a fancy car or a wild horse

(No matter what he tells himself)

 

Rule  #9

When Ed puts his hands together to transmute, he is not focusing his ninja chakra

(It did make me wonder though)

(If he and Naruto were in a battle)

(Who'd win?)

 

Rule  #10

  
Following Rule  #9 , Ling and Lan Fan are not ninjas either. They just have too much free time on their hands.

(And one effed up king to please)

(Fighting to the death to please their dad?)

(And I thought Ed had daddy issues)


	2. Page II - Rosalie

Rule  #11

Do not ask Hughes to show you pictures of his daughter

(Even though she is really adorable, Hughes doesn't shut up) 

("Hey Rosalie! Want to see more pictures of my sweet Elicia?")

("Sure Hughes!")

(*whisper* _Someone save me!_ )

  
Rule  #12

Mustang is not to be used as a human barbecue pit.

(To be fair, he wasn't against the idea) 

(Riza was not amused)

 

Rule  #13

Painting Scar's scar red is not allowed

(I mean seriously, he scared the crap out of me when he suddenly woke up) 

(To be fair, Ed put me up to it.) 

(Damn midget)

  
Rule  #14

Do not tell Envy he is a Drag Queen

(Again, Ed put me up to it) 

(Envy got his revenge)

(Now Mustang won't stop laughing at me)

  
Rule  #15

Do not leave a list of State Alchemist names and where they live lying around

(That information is strictly classified)

(Remember what happened when Neville left a list of passwords lying around?)

(Scar would make use of that)

(I blamed Ed for it) 

 

Rule  #16

Suggesting to Mustang that they change the female uniform to mini skirts is not allowed

(The man is truly a pervert)

(Though I have to say, I look good in a mini skirt) 

(I think I nearly gave Scar a heart attack when I showed him) 

 

Rule  #17

Scar is not Sasuke Uchiha

(Even though he does have red eyes....) 

(And is hellbent on avenging his people...)

 

Rule  #18

In accordance with rule  #17 , do not offer yourself to Scar as a means to help him rebuild his family and people.

(Surprisingly, he looked like he was considering it) 

(Then again it's hard to tell with him)

 

Rule  #19

Scar is not Grumpy Cat

(No matter how much he does resemble the cat)

 

Rule  #20

Do not abduct Mustang's subordinates for a Wonderland themed tea party. 

(To be fair, they didn't seem to mind it all that much.) 

(Even Riza went with it.)

(Elicia made an adorable Alice!)

(I'm sure we're going to see loads of pictures from Hughe s)


	3. Page III - Ariana

Rule  #21

Teaching Armstrong the song 'Macho Macho Man' is explicitly **FORBIDDEN**.

(The man will not shut up)

(And then randomly strips)

(He had to do it at a peace-conference as well...)

(The military is still being laughed at)

 

Rule  #22

Do not play keep-away with Al's head

(Or Ed's automail limbs)

(If he broke them)

(Again)

 

Rule  #23

Telling people that Ed has an automail penis isn't allowed.

(Offering yourself or Winry to confirm it is also not allowed)

(Though it was hilarious to see Ed's face)

 

Rule  #24

Do not yell out " **FIRE-STYLE-NO-JUTSU** " when Mustang uses his flame alchemy.

(It distracts him)

(And shit burns that's not supposed to burn)

(Mustang needs to work on his Jutsu)

 

Rule  #25

Your mom jokes are not to be repeated around the following people: Nina, Ed, Al, Winry.

(Envy learned that the hard way)

 

Rule  #26

Lust is not a 'lady of the night'.

(She's just a misunderstood, big-boobed woman)

(Who kills people)

(She's basically a girly Jack the Ripper)

 

Rule  #27

I will not raise a Philosopher's Stone above my head and announce that I have found 20 rupees.

(No-one will understand)

(These people need Legend of Zelda in their lives)

 

Rule  #28

Sticking things to Al with a magnet isn't allowed

(He's not a fridge)

 

Rule #29

Telling Ed that he is basically Napoleon reincarnate isn't recommended

(He was confused until I explained about the short-person complex)

(Then he was pissed)

(I'm still laughing)

 

Rule  #30

Winry does not know how to build Autobots; stop asking her to build one.

(I wish she did)

(I want my own Optimus!)


	4. Page IV - Rosalie

Rule  #31

Don't prank call Mustang while he's at work. 

(He really doesn't appreciate it)

(Funny as it is)

(I blamed Ed for it) 

(Mustang believed it)

 

Rule  #32

Do not take Mustang to a horse show and point out a horse and say it's him

(It's really not nice)

(Mustang didn't like it) 

(Ed thought it was hilarious)

 

Rule  #33

Under **NO CIRCUMSTANCES** show **ANY** of the military or other groups fanfiction.

(Therapy)

 

Rule  #34

In accordance with rule  #33  Don't **EVER** show them **YAOI** anything about them. 

(Mass therapy)

(Ed and Roy can't even look at each other anymore) 

 

Rule  #35

Do not give Nina, Elicia or May sugar and caffeine

(It took us all day to catch them.) 

(For a little kid, Elicia sure does run fast)

 

Rule  #36

Do not try and take pictures of Scar shirtless

(I tried, I really did.) 

(His hotness proved to be too much)

(*Swoon*) 

 

Rule  #37

Don't introduce anyone to 'shipping'

(Hughes won't shut up)

(He won't stop shipping Roy and Riza)

(Then again we all ship Roy and Riza) 

 

Rule  #38

Don't eat food in front of Al

(It makes him sad) 

(He cheered up when I promised to cook for him when he got his body back)

 

Rule  #39

Do not give Ed milk for his birthday

 (He doesn't appreciate it) 

("You're never going to grow if you don't drink your milk, Ed.")

("Why you-!)

 

Rule  #40

The State Alchemist watches are **NOT** to be used for hypnotism

(To be fair, it worked on Ed)

(Best idea ever!)


	5. Page V - Ariana

Rule  #41

In accordance with rule  #28 , **NO** magnets when around Al.

(I had a bunch in my pocket)

(I can't remember why)

(But I got stuck)

(That was a fun few hours)

 

Rule  #42

Don't talk like a pirate in front of Bradley

(It's disrespectful)

(And he may get annoyed)

(And no-one can outrun him)

 

Rule  #43

Don't randomly jump off buildings

(It's kind of self-explanatory)

 

Rule  #44

In accordance with rule  #43 , don't dramatically announce that nothing in life is worth living anymore BEFORE jumping off a building

(The Elrics made me go to therapy)

(Not cool)

 

Rule  #45

Al is not to be used as a snowboard 

(I was feeling lazy)

(And Al wanted to go snowboarding as well)

(Two birds, one stone)

(Ed has wayyy too many issues)

 

Rule  #46

Don't make Pottermore accounts for everyone

(Though it was fun to see who got sorted into which house)

 

Rule  #47

Don't put Autobot symbols on Ed's automail or Al's armour

(Or swap it to Decepticon ones when Ed is being a little shit)

(Which is 90% of the time)

 

Rule  #48

Don't tell Father that there is a more traditional way to have kids

(And then proceed to set him up on a dating website)

(That.....)

(Wow)

 

Rule  #49

Lan Fan is not a lesbian and Ling is not a girl

(Just...trust me on this one)

 

 

Rule  #50

Do not use any feminine wiles to get Captain Buccaneer to do your chores

(Because we all know he will)

(He's a sucker for the girls)

(What can I say?)

(I didn't want to do my Briggs chores)


	6. Page VI - Rosalie

Rule  #51

In accordance with rule  #39 , don't leave milk bottles around wherever Ed is staying

(He threw them out) 

(What a waste) 

(I replaced them with fresh bottles while he was out)

(Now he's convinced the milk is haunting him)

 

Rule  #52

** DO NOT EVER TAKE WINRY'S WRENCH! **

(Ed wasn't kidding when he said she turned into a demon) 

(Winry is super scary)

 

Rule  #53

Do not sing Be Prepared whenever Mustang is talking about becoming Fu hr er

(Honestly Roy kinda likes it) 

(Riza wasn't amused) 

(Havoc thought it was hilarious)

 

Rule  #54

Scar is not a lion

(Even if his name is Scar and he has a scar) 

(He wasn't amused when I explained it to him)

 

Rule  #55

Do not tell Olivier she needs to wear a dress

(Do you have a death wish?)

 

Rule  #56

Mustang is not allowed access to mistletoe under any circumstance

(He turns into a raging raging pervert when he's drunk and has access to mistletoe at the Christmas party) 

(Riza had to knock him out) 

 

Rule  #57

Do not hide fireworks near Mustang when he's using his alchemy

(Spooked the hell out of Central Command)

 

Rule  #58

In accordance to rule  #57 , do not set fireworks off in any of the command buildings

(The chaos was glorious)  

 

Rule  #59

Do not sing Let It Snow while at Briggs

(They don't appreciate it) 

(It gets old fast)

(To be fair, Buccaneer really liked it) 

 

Rule  #60

Do not sing Let It Go while at Briggs either

(Olivier says it's making a mockery of Briggs to Drachma)

(Buccaneer really seemed to like it.)

(I know what to get him for Christmas now) 


	7. Page VII - Ariana

Rule  #61

Never to be repeated: We are going streaking

 

Rule  #62

Don't send fake love letters to Lan Fan from Ling

(That girl will knife you)

 

Rule  #63

Don't give me a permanent marker

(I draw on shit)

(I'm pretty sure this was in another set of rules)

(But I feel it needs to be repeated)

(Because people never learn)

(And I never tell them)

 

Rule  #64

Don't go up to people and ask "How was the sex?"

(It leads to awkward situations)

 

Rule  #65

No more random trips

(This rule is just for me!)

(I kept on going off on my own and not tell anyone)

(So imagine my surprise when Bradley has a country-wide announcement that I've been kidnapped)

(With him and Ed being the concerned parties)

("She's such a good girl, there's no way she'd just up and leave without a word.")

 

Rule  #66

No more strip poker nights

(Because there is usually a ton of alcohol involved)

(And I'm not allowed drink yet)

(Curse my young age!)

 

Rule  #67

Truth or Dare has been banned

(Well it's mostly Dare at this point)

(No one picks Truth any more)

(Truth isn't 'manly' enough)

(And Ed, Al and Izumi have issues with the Truth)

 

Rule  #68

Running through a meeting and throwing tampons everywhere isn't allowed

(Al got one stuck in the eye socket of his helmet)

(And then asked what it was for)

(If that boy could blush, he'd be scarlet)

 

Rule  #69

Quoting Pirates of the Caribbean is not allowed anymore

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?" (Al. Suffice to say, we did not understand)

"My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are in trouble." (Ed. I sucker-punched him for that one)

"Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream. That’s how I get by." (Ling)

"Did everyone see that? Because I will not be doing it again." (Mustang. Drunk. Mustang. OMFG what a night)

"Well done, mates. I knew you had it in you. Now, come back in eight minutes and we'll do it all over again, eh?" (Me)

 

Rule  #70

Don't throw glitter at Ed and then tell him he is now Edward Cullen

(Ick)

(Just...Ick)


	8. Page VIII - Rosalie

Rule  #71

Do not imply that Al is the the Tin Woodsman

(It makes him sad) 

 

Rule  #72

While at Briggs, don't stick your tongue to any metal surface that has been exposed to the winter air

(You'd have to be a complete idiot to do that)

(I dared Ed to do it)

(He totally did it)

(He wasn't happy)

(For a genius, he sure is stupid sometimes)

 

Rule  #73

In accordance to Rule  #72 , don't stick your tongue on Buccaneer's automail after he's been outside.

(Again, complete idiot)

 

Rule  #74

Don't ask Buccaneer if his automail is compensating for something. 

(Say it with me now: Complete Idiot)

 

Rule  #75

Don't ask Miles if he's into S&M

(I'm not sure why I asked this) 

(I may or may not have been drunk at the time)

(Still, Miles blushed really red, which is a surprise all things considering) 

 

Rule  #76

In accordance to rule  #75 , don't ask Miles if Olivier tops. 

(He went bright red again)

(Olivier wasn't happy)

(Though she said she'd never be on the bottom) 

 

Rule  #77

Spin the bottle is banned

(Too bad really) 

(It was hilarious)

(Til Ed landed on Mustang) 

(Shit got awkward) 

 

Rule  #78

Twister is also banned.

(Again, shit got awkward) 

(It took us a few hours to untangle everyone) 

(Scar is surprisingly flexible) 

(I'm going to have to remember that) 

 

Rule  #79

Do not go streaking through the snow at Briggs

( **SERIOUSLY** bad idea)

(Lucky I didn't get frostbite) 

(I couldn't feel any part of my body for the rest of the day)

 

Rule  #80

Don't explain to Ed how a female menstruation cycle works

(It was funny though) 

(I think Ed created a whole new shade of red) 

(Now he's scared of women when they get mad) 

(As he should be) 

(Though he did make the mistake of asking Winry if she was on her period)

(The doctors say he'll wake up out of the coma soon) 


	9. Page IX - Ariana

Rule  #81

Following rule  #70 , do not then proceed to set Ed on fire

(My hatred of Twilight vampires only increases)

 

Rule  #82

Saying the following in the middle of a battle is not allowed

"Do not panic. First, we'll find out what it is and  **THEN** we'll panic"

" **FUCK! I THINK I SHOT MYSELF!** "

" **SOMEONE GRAB A CHILD SO WE MAY SACRIFICE IT!** "

(People grabbed Ed for that one...)

(Whoops)

 

Rule  #83

Calling Bradley 'Mad-Eye' isn't allowed

(Unless he says yeah)

(In which case, go ahead)

 

Rule  #84

Don't ask "Why" to everything.

"Ariana, can you please not punch my son?"

"Why?"

"Because it's not nice."

"Why?"

"Because that is not how young ladies behave."

".....why?"

(Poor Hohenheim)

 

Rule  #85

Horror movie night is dead.  ** Never ** revive it.

 

Rule  #86

Quoting Shakespeare has been banned

(Mostly for me)

(And I never pick the right moment according to Ed)

(Psh, he just wishes he knew Shakespeare)

(All the world's a stage , shorty )

 

Rule  #87

The phrase "challenge accepted" isn't to be used around Hohenheim.

"So Miss Oswald, you're never to do human transmutation."

"Challenge accepted."

(Next thing I knew, I'm in an interrogation room)

(People here need to learn when I'm joking dammit!)

 

Rule  #88

Don't call Riza 'birdy'

(Not appreciated)

(She used me for target practice)

 

Rule  #89

Air guitar isn't to be done in public

(Or ever)

(That means **STOP** , Envy)

 

Rule  #90

Don't try Ed's cooking

(He still hasn't progressed past 'Stewed Boot')


	10. Page X - Rosalie

Rule  #91

In accordance with rule  #70 the higher ups, Father and the Sins are not the Volturi

(Just no)

(That is all)

 

Rule  #92

Asking Olivier if she wants to build a snowman by knocking on her door during a meeting is not advised.

(You'd have to be some kind of stupid)

(She doesn't say go away with words)

(She uses her sword)

(I ended up with less bangs than I had originally)

 

Rule  #93

Asking Lust where she got her boobs done is not a good idea

(Having sharp pointy nails heading your way is not fun)

 

Rule  #94

Do not lift Ed up above your head while standing on the roof of Central Command and asking everyone to bow

(Ed was not amused) 

(Roy was amused)

(Riza was not amused)

(I sort of dropped Ed off the building)

(For such a little guy, he's sure is heavy with the automail) 

(Ed's totally fine)

(A car broke his fall)

(He'll be fine after he gets his casts off)

(The car sadly isn't fine)

(Poor car)

 

Rule  #95

Do not toss Mustang's paperwork outside the window

(He actually treated me to dinner after)

(Riza made me pick it up)

(Damn wind)

(I had to go all over Central)

 

Rule  #96

Do not play Setting Fire To The Rain around Mustang

(He **REALLY** doesn't like that song) 

(Everyone else thought it was funny)

 

Rule  #97

Do not play Barbie Girl around Envy

( **WORST FREAKING IDEA EVER!** )

(He won't stop singing it!)

 

Rule  #98

In accordance to rule  #88 , do not call Riza 'Tweety'

(Death Wish)

(I had to dodge some serious bullets) 

 

Rule  #99

Do not give Riza a quiver of arrows and a bow because her last name is Hawkeye

(Let it be known that it is never advised to give Riza projectile weapons)

(She knows how to use them)

 

Rule  #100

In regards to rule  #99 , Riza is not Hawkeye from Avengers

(Roy thought it was funny after I explained)

(Though now he insists he's like Iron Man) 

(I told him that Al was Iron Man)

(We're still debating)


	11. Page XI - Ariana

Rule  #101

Whoever is responsible for this, **STOP** bringing home stray animals!

(Ed's got like six dogs in his room)

(And there's a hamster family in my new boots)

(And why is there a seal in the bath-tub?)

 

Rule  #102

Mentioning Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy around certain military people isn't a smart idea

(Both Armstrongs are convinced that Santa is a pedo)

(And the Easter Bunny is a drug lord)

(Let's not even get started on the Tooth Fairy)

 

Rule  #103

Don't answer questions with yes and no.

"Did you go to work today?"

"Yes and no."

"Did you talk to Bradley?"

"Yes and no."

"Did you set Ed on fire?"

"Yes and no."

(He was asking for it)

(Mustang was more then happy to help)

 

Rule  #104

If caught doing something bad, telling people that Hohenheim said you could is not allowed.

(Like trying to feed your enemies to Gluttony)

(Or baiting Selim so Pride comes out to play)

(I'm an idiot, okay?)

(I thought we established that like three guidelines ago!)

(Fourth wall break **FTW!** )

 

Rule  #105

Pelting people with Skittles and yelling " **TASTE THE GODDAMN RAINBOW!** " isn't allowed.

(It's also a waste of perfectly good Skittles)

(And then Selim picked them up off the ground and ate them)

(Ewwww)

 

Rule  #106

Mentioning Pedobear leads to being locked up for personal safety.  **DON'T DO IT**

 

Rule  #107

Not everyone likes a rugby-tackle-hug

(Like Izumi)

(Sig was not happy when she puked up blood)

(What?)

(I was just super excited to see her!)

 

Rule  #108

When bored, don't transmute something to a life-sized version of Angry Birds

(I brought a whole new meaning to the phrase 'food fight' one lunchtime)

(Bradley was not impressed)

 

Rule  #109

Following rule  #108 , don't transmute something to resemble a Quidditch pitch

(We had no brooms, so we used alchemy to platform us around the courtyard)

(It got real ugly real fast)

 

  
Rule  #110

Don't talk about things you do in video-games as if it's real

(I was telling Ling about Assasin's Creed)

(Al overheard)

(He gets nervous around me now)


	12. Page XII - Rosalie

Rule  #111

Do not eat ice cream in front of Ed and when he asks for some, tell him he can't have any because it's made of milk

(It's just rude) 

(Though funny)

 

Rule  #112

Do not put it into May's head to dress up Scar and Yoki

(Surprisingly, Scar didn't mind too much when she messed with his hair)

(Though I'll have to bleach the image out of my mind of Yoki in a dress)

 

Rule  #113

Kimblee is to be referred as the Crimson Alchemist

(That is his title) 

 

Rule  #114

In accordance with rule  #106 , Kimblee is not to be referred as 'Combustion Man'

(Clearly I have no sanity whatsoever left)

 

Rule  #115

Also in accordance with rule  #106 , Kimblee is not to be called 'Sparky Sparky Boom Man'

(Yup, no sanity)

(Plus I got Ed in on it)

(Now we can't stop giggling whenever we see Kimblee)

 

Rule  #116

Do not mock Scar's religion

(Really dumb move right there)

(That poor unfortunate soul)

(He never had a chance)

 

Rule  #117

Poking Scar in the middle of his scar is not allowed. 

(He just stared at me)

(It kinda gets creepy after awhile)

 

Rule  #118

You are not allowed to have Envy as your shopping buddy

(He can shop til he drops)

(Which won't happen)

(He had to carry me)

 

Rule  #119

Making Armstrong listen to 'I'm Too Sexy' is forbidden

(The images...)

(They won't go away...)

Rule  #120

Scar's scar does not mark the spot


	13. Page XIII - Ariana

Rule  #121

Don't try to lick your elbow

(No-one could do it)

(Except Ed)

(But he cheated)

(Karma got him back though)

(His tongue got stuck in the hinge of his arm)

 

Rule  #122

Don't mimic people behind their backs

(I'm pretty good at mimicking Ed)

(I even have a red coat like his)

(Al pointed out that I'm taller then him though)

(Ed went on a rampage)

 

Rule  #123

When the weather is bad,  **STAY INSIDE**

(I went up to Briggs and there was a small snowstorm)

(So I went outside in my jeans and a jumper)

(No shoes though)

(I got the nasty flu)

(It was worth it though)

 

Rule  #124

Don't declare that it's hug-a-bitch day

(And then hug Ed)

(Or Havoc)

(Or Denny Brosh)

(Or Olivier)

 

Rule  #125

Stop pretending you're a Pokémon

(Ed's a Mankey)

(Izumi's a Hitmonchan)

(Sig's Ursaring)

(Al's a Pikachu)

(And I'm a Cyndaquil!)

 

Rule  #126

When caught doing something bad, don't say the following:

"Let's be honest, this isn't the worst thing you've caught me doing."(Ling)

"It wasn't me! It was...oh. Oh that. Yeah, that was me."(Ed)

"This is about that body, isn't it?"(Al)

"You come near me and I will paddywhack your dingdong!"(Me)

 

Rule  #127

Don't fall asleep during a debriefing.

(Mustang was annoyed)

(Riza just pushed me off of my chair)

 

Rule  #128

Sneaking into other people's beds and saying "Wow, what a night" when they wake up is not allowed.

(I scared the shit out of Ed)

(Sweet revenge)

(Ling was looking at me oddly for the rest of the day)

 

Rule  #129

In accordance with rule  #128 , you are also not allowed to say "You know, you were pretty good for a virgin."

(I woke up to a naked Ling)

(I screamed and threw him out the window)

 

Rule  #130

Keep any sexist comments to yourself.

(This applies mainly to Father and Pride)

(And a little to Greed)


	14. Page XIV - Rosalie

Rule  #131

Do not show Ling and his group 'Mulan'

(They don't really get the reference)

 

Rule  #132

In accordance with rule  #131, Lan Fan is not Mulan

(She thought I was implying she looked like a boy)

(That didn't end well)

 

Rule  #133

Do not sing 'We're Off To See The Wizard' any time you are sent to a superior's office

(It gets old real quick)

(Though it's so fun)

(The superiors have no sense of fun)

 

Rule  #134

Do not stick a 'Do Not Feed' sign on Gluttony

(It's mean)

(He'll just eat it anyways) 

 

Rule  #135

Do not attempt to start a band with the Sins

(Envy and Lust bickered over who'd be the head singer)

(Greed ran off with all the equipment) 

(Greedy bastard)

 

Rule  #136

Just because his name is Sloth, doesn't mean he's an actual sloth. 

(He didn't get it) 

(Envy did and wouldn't stop laughing for hours) 

(Lust ripped out his vocal cords to make him stop)

 

Rule  #137

Bombs are not toys

(I may or may not have accidentally bombed a few places)

(Scar was pleased some of those places were military) 

 

Rule  #138

Mentioning the Ishvalan Civil War around Scar is not advised

(He goes on a rage filled killing spree) 

(I'll never get the blood out of that dress) 

(It was my favourite dress!)

 

Rule  #139

In accordance with rule  #138, don't mention the war around anyone who participated in it

(They get all depressed and mopey) 

(The air of doom and gloom is pretty thick) 

(I think it frizzed my hair)

 

Rule  #140

Suggesting that certain members of the military need therapy is not allowed.

(Even if they do)


	15. Page XV - Ariana

Rule  #141

Don't quote Transformers.

"Dad! There's a missile....in the family room!" (Oh that was fun!)

"One shall stand, one shall fall." (Father can be such a troll when he wants to be)

"Give me your face!" (Ed's face when Lan Fan lost her shit with him. Again)

"We are all targets now." (Never announce that in a meeting)

"No sacrifice, no victory!" (Bradley's using this as his catchphrase)

 

Rule  #142

When around Father or Hohenheim, mind your language

(Father washed my mouth out with soap)

(And then Hohenheim lectured me as I spat out the bubbles)

 

Rule  #143

Me and the word 'pregnant' do not belong in the same sentence

(Just because I was looking up baby names)

(Stupid men)

 

Rule  #144

The game 'What does this stand for?' is not permitted

"What does Bradley stand for?" (Selim)

"Bro Really Acting Douchy Like Ed Yo?" (Winry)

"Bitch Robs Al's Donkey Luna Every Year?" (me)

(That got me some stares)

(Because Al really does have a donkey called Luna)

(She chills in the guest suite, most of the time)

(And once a year, she mysteriously goes missing)

 

Rule  #145

The military is not Hydra

(No matter how much Ling is convinced it is)

(He is never watching Captain America again)

 

Rule  #146

Following  #145 , Bradley is not Red Skull

(He's not that cool)

 

Rule  #147

A metal detector is just that. It is not to be called the Dipshit Detector.

(It didn't go off near Al)

(Or Buccaneer)

(But it went off when I went over to Ed)

(Oh my god)

(I totally lost it)

 

Rule  #148

Don't randomly smack people

(Unless that person is Ed)

(And he's done something stupid again)

 

Rule  #149

Hohenheim's alchemy lab is strictly off limits.

(For me)

(Because I keep blowing it up)

 

Rule  #150

Don't tell any of the kids that flipping the bird is how to show someone you love them

(I can't believe Ed fell for that one)


	16. Page XVI - Rosalie

Rule  #151

Shou Tucker is not allowed near any animals, children or people in general

(No)

(I ain't afraid to taser him) 

 

Rule  #152

Do not show anyone Disney films except for the kids

(The adults get surprisingly weepy)

(And they totally deny it) 

 

Rule  #153

In accordance with rule  #152, do no go around giving others Disney nicknames

(I don't think Ed appreciated being called 'Sleeping Beauty')

(In fairness, he sleeps just about anywhere)

(And when he's asleep, he's quiet)

(That's the beauty of it)

 

Rule  #154

In accordance to rule  #153, do not refer to Olivier as Snow White

(She REALLY did not like that one)

(I don't think I've ever run so fast before) 

(She used the freaking tank!)

 

  
Rule  #155

Also in accordance with rule  #153, do not refer to Olivier's main group of subordinates as the 'Seven Dwarfs'

(Nope, they really don't like it) 

(Yay, more things thrown at me that I have to avoid) 

(I'm a freaking ninja by now)

 

Rule  #156

Do not dress any of the men in drag

(Though in fairness, both Ed and Mustang have great legs)

(Armstrong as Little Bo Peep...)

(I'm never going to wipe that image from my mind) 

(Mustang wouldn't burn my eyes out) 

 

Rule  #157

The symbol on Edward's coat is not a dart target

(I ended up throwing them at his head)

(Not my fault he's so... Vertically challenged)

(Medical bills were through the roof)

 

Rule  #158

Don't go barging in on any of Mustang's dates and accusing him of cheating on you

(It gets awkward) 

(But hilarious when they start screaming at him and dump their drinks on him)

(One actually slapped me) 

(Bitch fight ensued) 

(Hughes had to bail me out) 

(He gave me a lecture on how I need to be more like a lady)

(Sitting in a cell is better than this) 

 

Rule  #159

Do not assign theme songs

(It was so fun though!)

(I don't think Al really appreciated my rendition of 'If I Only Had A Heart')

(No one gets my musical genius)

 

Rule  #160

When greeting Bradley, do not shout 'Heil Hitler'

(Shit gets awkward) 

(It's offensive) 

(And I don't think he really understood the reference) 

(He's insisting it be the new salute)

(Now everyone is saying 'Heil Bradley')

(What have I done?)


	17. Page XVII - Ariana

Rule  #161

Going around with a skull and talking to it will land you a psyche-evaluation.

(Kind of ties into the Shakespeare rule)

(I called my skull Yorick)

(And went around quoting the most emo Shakespeare play)

(That worked out well)

(It wasn't even a real skull!)

 

Rule  #162

Following rule  #161 , going around with any object and talking to it will land you a psyche-evaluation.

 

Rule  #163

Shouting out the following gets weird stares:

Goober

Boobs

Noodle

Nazi

**NOTICE ME SENPAI!**

 

Rule  #164

Think before cannonballing into water

(Seriously Ed)

(Who cannonballs into a bathtub?)

 

Rule  #165

The topic of the birds and the bees are to be left to parents

(But it was a really funny day)

(Ed's face)

 

Rule  #166

No fake moustaches

(I was running around with one for a week)

(It was so fun)

(It also happened to be one of the times I left and didn't tell anyone)

(Oops)

 

Rule  #167

Toilet plungers are not to be used to climb up walls

(They totally work though)

 

Rule  #168

When asked what a platypus is, do not reply with the following:

"A secret agent."

"God's little joke."

"The result of cross-species intercourse."

"Your mother."

 

Rule  #169

I see something you can't see and it's.....is not allowed any more

"I see something you can't see and it's....made of steel." (Al)

"I see something you can't see and it's....small." (Winry)

"Why are you talking about Ed's penis?" (Me)

(Needless to say, the game was banned after that)

 

Rule  #170

Stop using chat-speech in real conversations

(Scar keeps saying hashtag)

(Ed keeps say WTF)

(And Al won't stop with the LOL)


	18. Chapter XVIII - Rosalie

Rule  #171

Riza's guns are not toys

(I accidentally shot off the hair that always sticks up on Edward's head) 

(He looks so different now!) 

(I swear Mustang walked right by him and didn't know it was him)

(Ed swears he can't think properly now) 

(I shot off his antenna!) 

 

Rule  #172

When visiting another country, **BEHAVE!**

(This cannot be stressed enough)

 

Rule  #173

In accordance with rule #172, be respectful of another country's religion and culture

(You make one wrong move and then you have the whole country up in arms) 

(It happened in Ishval, people!)

(Don't make that happen again!)

(Be sure to study up before visiting another country) 

(I can't believe Ed got us banned!) 

 

Rule  #174

Do not get into religious arguments with Scar.

(You will lose)

(He's very passionate about it)

(I think he's converted me)

 

Rule  #175

Do not dye the military or State Alchemist uniforms different colours

(Armstrong in pink and stripping...) 

(Mustang still won't burn my eyes) 

 

Rule  #176

Alchemy is not Jutsu

(No matter how much you insist it is) 

(Because, unless you're Ed or Al, everyone has to use Transmutation circles) 

(Which sort of defeats the purpose) 

 

Rule  #177

In accordance to rule #176, do not give your attacks names

(That's basically alerting your enemy you're about to do something) 

(The names got weird) 

(Ed got kind of weird after I told him about the Thousand Years of Death) 

(Poor Envy) 

(I think he's still flying somewhere) 

(Never going to get that image of Ed transmuting giant stone hands to do it out of my mind)

 

Rule  #178

Mustang is **NOT** a missing member of the Uchiha clan

(He looks like one though)

(He's got the black hair and black eyes) 

(And he uses fire!) 

(Uchiha!) 

(I'm on to him...) 

 

Rule  #179

Paperwork is to be done promptly and handed in on time.

(Riza gets scary) 

(Paperwork makes the world go round!) 

(I swear I've heard a song that's similar to that, only without the paperwork) 

 

Rule  #180

In accordance with rule #179, Mustang does his own work

(He's lazy) 

(If he wants to lead the country, he has to do his own work) 

(He paid me though)


	19. Page XIX - Ariana

Rule  #181

In accordance with rules  #115 and  #117, no transmuting lakes to make an ice-hockey field

(Especially when someone's swimming in the lake)

 

Rule  #182

Don't poke someone and pretend it wasn't you

(Sound familiar, Envy?)

 

Rule  #183

Don't refer to people as your brother, mother, father, etc.

(It's Al's fault)

(I was just copying him)

(Apparently calling Hohenheim Grandad wasn't a wise move.)

 

Rule  #184

Doing the moon-walk isn't allowed in public places

(Bradley does it flawlessly though)

 

Rule  #185

Shipping names shouldn't be mentioned, let alone explained.

(So far we've talked about Ed and Winry)

(And Al and May)

(But it went south quickly when we explained the other pairings)

 

Rule  #186

Whoever did this,  **STOP** making shipping names of me and the guys!

(Aried)

(Alari)

(Ariroy)

(Ariling)

(I am going to _murder_ someone)

 

Rule  #187

Don't start a drinking contest with the Sins

(You'll lose)

(Badly)

(hic)

 

Rule  #188

The game 'hot seat' has been banned

(Oh my god, I'm still wondering so many things...)

 

Rule  #189

Sedatives are not for fun

(So don't touch them)

(Jeez Selim)

 

Rule  #190

Enter people's rooms at your own risk

(Interesting note: Ed and Ling both sleep naked)

(I can never unsee that)


	20. Page XX - Rosalie

Rule  #190

Do not cut Edward's hair in his sleep

(He's a really deep sleeper) 

(I didn't cut that much off) 

(Ed is such a baby) 

 

Rule  #191

In regards to rule #190, don't pin it on Ling

(I thought Ed was going to murder Ling)

(We had to shoot them with sedatives) 

 

Rule  #192

Do not prank call the Sins

(They'll figure it out) 

(Having Pride on your case isn't fun) 

 

Rule  #193

Don't send Havoc a fake date invitation and then stand him up

(That's just plain rude) 

(I felt bad) 

(We actually had a nice time) 

 

Rule  #194

Don't steal Scar's jacket

(Scar didn't actually care all that much) 

(It was cold and he was training!) 

(It's warm) 

(Don't judge me!) 

 

Rule  #195

Don't steal Ed's jacket either

(That actually didn't fit) 

(Goes to show just how...)

(Nope, not going there) 

(Don't want Ed ranting) 

 

Rule  #196

Al's armour is not to be used in hide and seek. 

(In fairness, it makes an excellent hiding place) 

(They were looking for me for hours!) 

(It gets uncomfortable after awhile though)

 

Rule  #197

Do not steal Scar's sunglasses either

(I accidentally broke them because I tripped) 

(How does he even see out of them?) 

(I bought him a new pair) 

(He's cool) 

(May's mad because I wouldn't get the pink heart-shaped ones like she suggested) 

 

Rule  #198

Do not play the Imperial March when Bradley walks by

(He's insisting on it now) 

(People scatter and stand to attention when they hear it) 

(We may keep it actually) 

(It serves as a warning system) 

(So he can't do that creepy sneak up anymore) 

(I swear he scared a few years off of my life when he popped up behind me) 

 

Rule  #199

Also, don't play the Imperial March when Mustang goes walking by

(It inflates his ego) 

(Which isn't good) 

(I need to find a big enough pin to pop it) 

(Surprised he hasn't floated off by now) 

 

Rule  #200

Play it safe, if it sounds like a bad idea, then it's best not to do it

(But let's face it) 

(It's probably going to be done anyways) 

(There's not stopping the madness) 

"Madness? This isn't madness! This is Amestris!" 

"Rosalie, were you watching that movie again?"

"You were watching it too, Ed!" 


	21. Epilogue

Ariana glanced down at the street below as she sipped her morning tea. It had been one heck of a battle (and then the therapy afterwards had taken up a huge chunk of time) but finally the ruined city of Xerxes was being rebuilt. _All thanks to the boys. Money does make the world go 'round._

Of course, it hadn't been all sunshine and buttercups. Father and the Homunculi were under constant supervision, with Bradley being pulled from the military until he'd proven himself to be no-longer dangerous. Then the whole 'where will we keep them?' issue came up and dear god, that was one of the main reasons she hated meetings. Eventually, Ed had come up with the solution; keep them in Xerxes. His argument was logical, and after the minimum amount of fussing from other nation's representatives, herself and Rose had been put on babysitting duty while Ed and Al went travelling. She'd nearly killed the little shrimp for that one.

On the plus side, all three of the Elrics had pulled together and transmuted a very lovely base for their unpleasant duty and then it was a game of watch, wait, and make sure everyone saw their therapist each day. She couldn't deny that the overall results were an improvement.

Lust was still her sassy and sarcastic self, but she'd decided she was going to set up a business of her own in Xerxes; kind of like a tea house where one could relax, unwind, and hold a semi-intelligent conversation with a beautiful young woman. But, she informed Ariana one afternoon, she wasn't going to let any man get away with roughing up her girls. They were there to entertain, not to sell their bodies. They didn't either. Lust was a terrifying matriarch when she was crossed. And while she was forbidden from killing/maiming any of the less savoury clientele that came through their doors, she could still sic Gluttony on them. Happy days....

Pride and Selim had been separated eventually; Selim being sent to live with Mrs. Bradley and Pride staying with the girls. Weirdly enough, Selim seemed to miss the sadistic bastard and insisted on visiting them to spend time with the oldest Homunculus. He'd never admit it, but the little shit enjoyed the attention Selim gave him. He was slowly improving, but he needed to stop waking Sloth up every five minutes. They didn't need a repeat of the barbecue in July.

Envy was still the arrogant gobshite that everyone knew him to be. There were very few changes on that front, and most likely, there never would be. However, he was becoming a slightly more thoughtful gobshite, so that was something. It was most likely due to the Talk-Therapy-No-Jutsu that Ed, Al and Hughes were using on him. 

Father...well, he didn't want to turn people into Philosopher's stones any more, but he was still a stuck-up dick 90% of the time. Hohenheim was working with him constantly on improving his attitude, but it would take years. Good thing he was in it for the long haul. She wished him luck

Bradley was eventually cleared, but he didn't go back to work in the military, claiming to be too old for that lifestyle. He was bored and restless cooped up in the base though, so eventually after yet another training mishap with one of their guards, he was granted permission to set up a small platoon of soldiers on Xerxes. The man worked his recruits to the bone, but everyone was satisfied in the knowledge that if the Homunculi weren't home, Xerxes would be able to defend itself until they returned.

Scar...Scar had a lot of issues that he was adamant he had to work through on his own. He'd snuck away one night, leaving a very despondent Rose behind. He'd returned after a few months, stayed for a while and then took off again, this time with Rose in tow. Last Ariana had heard, they were somewhere in the North.

Ling, Fu, Lan Fan and May all returned home to Xing, where Ling surprised them all by marrying May (when she was of age, of course. Needless to say, Lan Fan didn't take it that well) and the two were crowned Emperor and Empress of Xing. That was an interesting weekend, that was for sure. Of course, the rules and regulations for palace life meant that they couldn't see their friends as often as they wished. The girls took that to mean Ling and May were being responsible people. Said royals took that as a challenge to sneak away to Xerxes until Fu dragged them back home.

Greed's old gang had eventually caught up with him and they refused to leave (so they had to add on another wing to the base. sigh), becoming keystone members of their little community. If any newcomers had a problem with that, they were more than welcome to either deal with Greed or piss off.

And speaking of...

"I know you're behind me, you know," she drawled, putting down her cup and turning around to face the yawning man with a smirk. "What took you so long to get up, anyway? You're starting to show your age, darling."

"You weren't complaining last night," he replied slyly, approaching her and wrapping her in a loose embrace.

"When do I ever complain?" she questioned.

"When Pride wastes your Skittles."

"That reminds me, I owe that brat a kick." She attempted to wriggle away but stilled when a large hand traced a pattern down her spine. "You're insatiable, do you know that?" she breathed.

"Obviously, my dear," he purred, hoisting her up in his arms. "I am Greed the Avaricious, after all."

 


End file.
